What Makes a Man Attractive? More Than Looks and Muscles

Many men who come to see me want a "boost" to look better: hormones, muscles or cosmetic procedures. Some of these can help when there's a genuine medical reason. But I always ask back: "How do you want people to feel when they're around you?" Real attractiveness usually lies in the answer to that question.

What does the research say?

A classic study by David Buss (1989) of more than 10,000 people from 37 cultures found that the qualities both men and women valued most in a long-term partner were kindness and understanding and intelligence, ranking above looks or wealth in many cultures. Later research found a similar pattern: appearance and status may matter up to a "good enough" minimum, but once that is met, personality traits carry more weight.

8 qualities that make people want to be near you

1. Sincerity. Speaking honestly but politely, reading the situation, not putting on a show.
2. Responsibility. Doing what you say, and being able to look after yourself and those around you.
3. Making people feel safe. Others feel calm and don't have to be on guard around you. You always respect boundaries and consent.
4. A natural smile. It reflects confidence and makes you approachable.
5. Confidence without arrogance. Knowing who you are, not needing to compare yourself with anyone, and admitting when you're wrong.
6. Gentleness within strength. Being able to listen, to comfort, to cry and to ask for help.
7. Looking after yourself. Being clean, smelling good and dressing in a way that suits your personality.
8. Humour that doesn't hurt anyone. Being funny without sarcasm or put-downs.

Real charm

Inner self

• Sincerity
• Responsibility

How others feel around you

• A sense of safety
• Gentleness within strength

Attitude to the world

• A natural smile
• Confident without being self-absorbed

Expression

• Taking care of yourself
• Humour that doesn't hurt anyone

Buss (1989), 37 cultures: kindness and intelligence were highly valued in long-term partners.

Confidence versus arrogance: what's the difference?

Confidence is a steadiness that comes from inside. Arrogance usually comes from hidden insecurity. A confident man listens until others have finished, admits when he is wrong and can compliment others, while an arrogant man has to win every argument.

There are many ways to be a man

There's no single formula for appeal. Whether you're the "daddy" type, the boyish type, the laid-back artsy type or the nerdy type, you can be attractive by being a good version of yourself. The belief that men must be macho, tough and never show feelings is actually a burden that harms men's own mental health. This applies to men of every sexual orientation; for more on this, read top gay men don't have to be macho.

Self-care that actually makes a difference

Body

• Get enough sleep: 7–9 hours. Chronic sleep loss makes your skin look tired, worsens your mood and lowers testosterone.
• Do both aerobic exercise and strength training for your heart, mood and physique. Read supporting testosterone through sleep, diet and exercise.
• Look after your skin and basic hygiene. If you have persistent acne, read hormonal acne.

Mind

• Lasting confidence comes from self-respect, not from the number of likes you get.
• If you've felt low, burned out or easily irritable for several weeks, it may be depression, which men often show differently from women. Read depression or low testosterone?

Sexual health

• Sexual confidence is part of overall confidence. If you have problems with erections or ejaculating too quickly, there's no need to feel embarrassed; these can be treated. Read men's sexual health: where to start.
• Use condoms and get tested regularly when you have risk. Looking after your partner's health is attractive, too.

Risky shortcuts

• Steroids or hormones without indication
• Risk of testicular shrinkage, infertility
• Acne, mood swings
• Heart disease risk

Sustainable self-care

• Sleep 7-9 hours
• Exercise: aerobic and weights
• Look after your mind; ask for help
• Sexual health: test when at risk

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Hormones, sleep, fitness and the "presence" people notice

Energetic body language, a fresh face and a steady mood partly come from a body that is rested and active. Sleeping just 5 hours a night for one week can lower testosterone in young men. If you have the basics in place but still feel tired, or notice lower sex drive or muscle loss, it may be low testosterone, which needs morning blood tests to confirm. Testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) is only for men with a true deficiency, as assessed by a doctor. It is not a shortcut to being more attractive.

Body odour and skin: the basics people overlook

• Shower every day and after exercise, paying attention to the armpits, groin and feet. Use a deodorant and change your socks daily.
• Wash your face with a gentle cleanser and wear sunscreen every day.
• Go easy on fragrance. If you sweat unusually heavily or your body odour changes noticeably, see a doctor.

A doctor's view: attraction in long-term relationships

Early in a relationship, attraction is fuelled by novelty. After many years together, what keeps partners wanting to be close is consistent care. Research by Muise and colleagues (2013) found that people who were genuinely motivated to meet their partner's sexual needs kept their sexual desire better over time. The couples I see who still find each other attractive tend to keep complimenting each other and can talk about sex without blame. Attraction doesn't simply fade with age; it shifts from "excitement" to "a sense of safety that still feels alive". Read more in Love and healthy relationships.

When to see a doctor

• A lack of self-confidence is affecting your daily life or relationships.
• You worry about your appearance to the point of obsession, checking the mirror repeatedly or avoiding seeing people.
• You feel tired, have lower sex drive or are losing muscle, which may be related to hormones.
• A sexual health problem is making you reluctant to start a relationship.

At Dr. Kris Clinic in Surat Thani, I see working-age men about sexual health, hormones and confidence, in a straightforward and private way, so you can be yourself in a way you're proud of. English-speaking consultations are available in person and online.