Love and Healthy Relationships: Understanding Love and Warning Signs

Everyone wants a love that brings peace of mind, but many people are not sure whether their relationship is "good enough". In the consulting room, I meet couples who love each other deeply but cannot communicate, and people in relationships that hurt them without realising it. This article will help you see your own relationship more clearly.

What are love and relationships?

Love is a feeling of attachment, of valuing another person and wishing them well. A relationship is a connection between people, which can be romantic, family, friendship or sexual.

Love does not always involve sex, and it is not limited to a man and a woman. People of every gender and identity have an equal right to love and be loved, and in Thailand this is now recognised in law. Read marriage equality.

Sternberg's triangle of love

The psychologist Robert Sternberg (1986) described love as having three components:

When all three are present, Sternberg called it consummate love. In real life, though, the balance changes over time. Passion usually dominates at first; the longer you are together, the more intimacy and commitment come to the fore. Passion fading somewhat does not mean love has ended, but it is a sign that this part needs deliberate care. Read about rebuilding closeness in sensate focus.

Complete love

Intimacy

Intimacy

• Close, trusting, understanding
• Can share what's on your mind

Passion

Passion

• Physical and emotional attraction
• Wanting to be near and touch

Commitment

Commitment

• Deciding to stay and care for each other
• Planning a future together

Sternberg (1986). The mix changes over time; less passion doesn't mean love is gone.

Relationships come in many forms

• Heterosexual couples, same-sex couples, couples in which one partner is transgender
• Monogamous relationships, and open relationships with clear agreements (consensual non-monogamy)
• People who experience little or no sexual attraction (asexual), who can still have romantic love
• Long-distance relationships and couples with an age gap; read the story in my partner is much younger

No form is better than another. What every form needs is consent, honesty about the agreements you make together, and open communication. In relationships with more than one partner, regular testing for sexually transmitted infections is part of caring for each other.

What a healthy relationship has

• Feeling safe to be yourself and to say how you feel without fear
• Being able to argue without contempt or harm, and finding a way to make up
• Respect for boundaries: body, time, money and personal space
• Each person having their own friends and their own life
• Making important decisions together

If you want to understand each other's personality differences, some couples use tools such as the Enneagram as a conversation starter. It works well as a way into conversation, rather than as a way to judge each other.

Warning signs not to ignore

• Checking your phone, tracking your location, or forbidding you to see friends and family
• Controlling your money or forbidding you to work
• Regular put-downs, sarcasm or making you feel worthless
• Threatening to hurt themselves or you if you leave
• Forcing or pressuring you sexually, or refusing to use a condom when you ask
• Physical violence, even if it was "just once"

Healthy relationship

• Safe to be yourself
• You can argue without contempt, and make up
• Boundaries respected: body, time, money
• Each has their own friends and life

Warning signs

• Checking phones, banning friends and family
• Controlling money, regular put-downs
• Forcing or pressuring sex
• Threats or physical violence

vs

If you are not safe, call 1300 (social help hotline, 24 hours). In an emergency call 191 (police) or 1669 (medical emergency).

Love and mental health

A good relationship protects physical and mental health, while chronic conflict increases stress and insomnia and affects your sex life. For specific problems, such as not being able to talk, jealousy or mismatched desire, read common couple problems. If the conflict involves the wider family, read family therapy.

How Dr. Kris Clinic helps with relationships

We offer individual and couples counselling for every gender and every type of relationship through our Kris Care Space service, which includes couples and family counselling and activity therapy. We do not judge who is wrong; we help both partners see the same picture and find a way that suits you. English-speaking sessions are available. If your relationship leaves you feeling sad or hopeless, you can call 1323, Thailand's free 24-hour mental-health hotline (Thai language; ask for English support).