Dr. Kris Case: Sex Isn't Perfect Like the Movies, and Needn't Be

This article is not about one particular couple. It is a composite of many couples I have cared for, combining what they have in common into one story. Many people think sex should be like it is in films: everything ready, an instant erection, finishing together. In my consulting room, I see another side that is much more real.

Background

The couples who come to see me often start with a similar story. In the early days of the relationship everything was exciting and easy to ignite. But as time passed, with work, children and responsibilities, the spark slowly faded, and small problems started to become big ones in their minds.

• Some can't get an erection in time when they want to.
• Some get hard, but not enough for penetration.
• Some come sooner than they want to.
• Some take a long time or don't come at all.
• Some aren't in the mood, or have lower sexual desire.

What I found

Most of the time there is an explainable cause, such as accumulated stress, not enough sleep, certain illnesses or medicines, hormones changing with age, and erectile dysfunction, which becomes more common with age.

What makes the problem grow is interpretation. When one partner can't get hard or isn't in the mood, the other often thinks, "Are they bored of me?" or "Is there someone else?", while the partner with the problem feels too embarrassed to explain. The result is that both stay silent, and the distance grows.

In my experience, many couples who suspect infidelity eventually find that the root cause is a health problem or stress, not cheating. But I don't draw conclusions for anyone, because every couple is different. What matters is being able to talk with real information.

Expectations from media. Images in films and pornography are edited and do not reflect real bodies. Comparing yourself with them makes many people think they are abnormal when they are not.

1. 1
   Small problemNo erection, finishing early, or no mood some days
2. 2
   Misreading"They're bored of me" "Is there someone else?"
3. 3
   Shame, silenceThe partner with the problem can't speak up
4. 4
   Both silentDistance grows
5. 5
   More pressureThe next time is harder

The way out is to talk with real information, and check for physical causes if it lasts over 3 months.

Care

The advice I give couples most often is:

1. Don't focus only on penetration. Closeness starts with hugging, kind words and caring for each other from dinner onwards, not just in bed. Sensate focus is a good way to practise this.
2. Set the atmosphere and the time. Sometimes the problem isn't the body but a mind still stuck on the children or work. Find a time when you are well rested, and change the place or the atmosphere now and then.
3. Talk openly without blame. Use sentences that start with your own feelings, such as "I'm worried that..." instead of "You don't..." (read: common couple problems and how to talk them through).
4. Accept that there are good days and bad days. Sex is like life, with clear skies and rainy days. A bad day doesn't mean you love each other any less.
5. Look for physical causes if it persists. If the problem keeps happening for more than 3 months, get a health check, including hormones, blood vessels and the medicines you take. Some people need to adjust their health care, and some may use medication as assessed by a doctor.
6. Ask for help without embarrassment. Couples consultations or activity therapy help both partners say things they have never dared to say.

What I learned

• Humans are not machines. No one is ready every night.
• Good sex isn't measured by perfection, but by both people still wanting to be in that space together.
• Sexual problems are often a signal of stress or health issues that need attention, not a verdict on your love.
• Silence does more damage than the problem itself. Couples who dare to talk usually come through better.

In movies and media

• Always ready every time
• Instant erection, finishing together
• Edited; not real bodies

In real life

• Good days and bad days; it doesn't mean less love
• Closeness starts outside the bedroom
• Measured by both still wanting to be together

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If you are going through the same thing

Try reading Sexual fantasies: are they normal and how to talk with your partner and Love and healthy relationships. If things still don't improve, at Dr. Kris Clinic I offer individual and couples consultations and activity therapy, caring for both body and mind without judgment, at the clinic and online, including in English.