Common Couple Problems and How to Talk So You Understand Each Other

"We don't fight about anything big, doctor, but we fight every day." This sums up the problem of many couples. The truth is that every relationship has conflict. John Gottman's research found that most couple problems are recurring ones that come from differences in personality. So the goal is not to have no problems at all, but to be able to talk about the same issue without hurting each other.

Four danger signs when you argue

Gottman called these behaviours "the Four Horsemen", because they predict break-up.

Danger signs

• Criticism of character: you never care
• Contempt: sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery
• Defensiveness: it's only because of you
• Stonewalling: walking away, not answering

Alternatives

• Say what happened and what you need
• Thank each other for small things, regularly
• Own your part
• Ask for a break, then come back as agreed

vs

The goal isn't no problems; it's talking about the same issues without hurting each other.

Common problems and what helps

1. Not communicating well

Arguing often, listening without hearing. What helps:

• Use "I feel... when... and I would like..." instead of "You make me..."
• Listen to understand, and summarise what you heard before replying: "What you're saying is... is that right?"
• When emotions rise and your heart is pounding, ask for a break of at least 20 minutes, do something calming, then come back to talk.

2. Mismatched sexual desire

This is one of the most common issues. One partner feels rejected; the other feels pressured.

• It is nobody's fault, and no one should force themselves.
• Look for physical causes, such as low sexual desire or erectile dysfunction (ED), which often makes men avoid sex for fear of failing.
• Widen the meaning of intimacy beyond penetration; try sensate focus exercises.

3. Jealousy and lack of trust

Checking phones, checking locations, arguing out of suspicion.

• Agree together on what kind of transparency you can both accept.
• Keep small promises consistently. Trust is built from small things done again and again.
• If the jealousy relates to your partner's work, read when your partner is a sex content creator.
• If it stems from a sexually transmitted infection, read when your partner has an STI.

4. Mismatched expectations

One wants to marry and the other is not ready, or housework is not divided in a way that works.

• Separate "needs" from "methods". Sometimes you need the same thing but picture different ways of getting there.
• Write out every household task and divide them again. Invisible work, such as planning and remembering, counts too.

5. No time for each other

Living together but like flatmates.

• Schedule time for just the two of you once a week, with phones put away.
• Talk for 10–15 minutes a day about something other than the children, work or bills.
• Turn towards your partner when they try to start a small conversation. Research has found that responding to these small bids is linked to how stable a couple is.

6. Mental health problems in one partner

Depression, chronic stress or heavy drinking can shake a relationship.

• Encourage your partner to get treatment, and look after your own mental health too.
• If there are threats or physical violence, this is not a communication problem but a safety issue. In Thailand, call 1300 (social assistance hotline) or 191 (police).

Simple exercises you can try tonight

1. A weekly 30-minute talk: start with three things you are grateful to each other for, then each raise one thing you would like to change.
2. Take turns speaking and listening: the speaker talks about their own feelings; the listener summarises back without responding yet; then swap.
3. Repair attempts: after an argument, a short sentence such as "I'm sorry I raised my voice" is very powerful.

1. 130-minute talkOnce a week; start with 3 things you appreciate
2. 2One topic eachSomething to change: "I feel... when... and I'd like..."
3. 3Take turns listeningThe listener sums up before replying, then swap
4. 4Pause if heatedAt least 20 minutes, then return
5. 5Try to repairShort lines like "I'm sorry I raised my voice"

When to seek counselling

• Having the same argument over and over until you feel exhausted
• Contempt or stonewalling becoming a regular pattern
• Infidelity, secrets or broken trust
• Your sex life has stopped and one of you is distressed

At Dr. Kris Clinic and Kris Care Space, we offer couples counselling for every gender and every type of relationship, without judgement, covering both communication and sex. You can come alone first or together, and English-speaking sessions are available.