Sexual Fantasies: Are They Normal, and How to Talk to Your Partner

"Doctor, I think about things like this. Is something wrong with me?" As a clinical sexologist I hear this question often, and the answer is usually "No, nothing is wrong." Sexual fantasy is part of human sexuality. But understanding what it is, and what it is not, will help you feel more at ease and handle it safely.

What is a sexual fantasy?

A sexual fantasy is an image, thought or story in your mind that relates to sex. It may arise on its own during the day, during masturbation or during sex. It may be something you have done, something you would like to do, or something you would never want to do in real life.

A review by Leitenberg and Henning (1995) found that most people, men and women alike, report having sexual fantasies. A Canadian survey by Joyal and colleagues (2015) found that very few of the themes many people consider "unusual" are genuinely rare.

What fantasies can offer

• They help stimulate desire and arousal, especially on tired or stressful days.
• They offer a safe space to explore feelings without acting on them.
• They can show you what you value, such as closeness, feeling desired or novelty.
• In sex therapy, they are sometimes used as a tool to help people who find arousal difficult.

Common themes

• Romance and closeness with a partner
• New places or situations
• Power and surrender (dominance/submission)
• People other than your current partner, or celebrities
• Experiences with a gender different from the one you are usually attracted to, which does not necessarily say anything about your sexual orientation

Fantasy is not action

This is the most important principle. Thoughts do not hurt anyone. What must be in place before bringing a fantasy into real life is:

• clear consent from everyone involved, which can be withdrawn at any time
• everyone involved being an adult who is able to consent
• clear agreements on boundaries and how to stop
• attention to physical and emotional safety and to infection prevention

If you are interested in power-based role play, read about consent and safety in sexual masochism and BDSM.

When to seek help

Fantasies become something worth discussing with a professional when:

• they make you feel so guilty, ashamed or distressed that it affects your life
• they are unwanted thoughts that keep popping up and that you try but fail to push away. This may be intrusive thoughts, which differ from fantasies because the person finds them repugnant, and which respond well to specialised therapy
• you feel unable to control your sexual behaviour; read compulsive sexual behaviour
• your fantasies involve acts on someone who has not consented and you are starting to feel urges to act on them; read paraphilic disorders
• you have sexual thoughts about children. Seek confidential help before anyone is harmed; read prevention and getting help, call 1323 (Thailand's free mental-health hotline; Thai language, ask for English support), or use the confidential online self-help programme Troubled Desire

Asking for help does not mean you are a bad person. It is a responsible decision.

Everyday fantasy

• Found in most people of all genders
• The thoughts harm no one
• You control everything in your mind

Talk to a counsellor

• Distress or shame affecting life
• Repeated, unwanted, can't push away
• Can't control sexual behaviour
• Urges toward non-consenting people

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You can seek confidential help before anyone is harmed. Mental-health hotline: 1323.

How to talk to your partner about fantasies

1. Ask yourself first why you want to share: do you want it to happen, or do you simply want your partner to know you better?
2. Choose a relaxed time outside the bedroom, not during an argument or in the middle of sex.
3. Start with something light and see how your partner responds.
4. Use open questions, such as "Is there anything you'd like to try, or definitely not try?"
5. Accept a no without pressuring or sulking, and do not judge your partner's fantasies.
6. Some couples use a "Yes/No/Maybe" list, filling it in separately and then comparing, which makes the conversation easier.

If the conversation leaves you feeling judged or turns into an argument, read common couple problems.

1. 1Ask yourself firstWhy share? Do you want it real, or just known?
2. 2Pick a relaxed timeOutside the bedroom, not during a fight
3. 3Start gentlyOpen questions, then watch their response
4. 4Accept a noNo pressure, sulking or judging

It can enter real life only if everyone is an adult, clearly consenting and free to withdraw at any time.

Getting help at Dr. Kris Clinic

I can talk with you about sexual fantasies confidentially and without judgement, whether you are worried about your own thoughts, want to be able to talk to your partner, or feel things are out of control. English-speaking consultations are available. Read more on when to see a clinical sexologist.