Sex Education: A Parent's Guide to Talking With Kids by Age

Many parents tell me, "I don't know how to start, and I'm afraid that if I talk about it, my child will want to try it." That worry is understandable. But if we don't talk, children will look for answers from friends, the internet or pornography, which often give wrong information and teach nothing about safety. This article is for parents and caregivers, to help you start confidently in a way that suits your child's age.

What sex education is, and what it isn't

Comprehensive sexuality education, as described in UNESCO's guidance, means learning about the body, changes with age, emotions, relationships, consent, diversity, sexual health and safety, with content adapted to the child's age.

The research UNESCO has reviewed shows that good sex education does not make children have sex earlier. Instead, it is linked with starting sex later, using protection more and being better able to say no or ask for help. Children who know the names of their body parts and the rules of body safety can also tell adults more clearly when someone has done something wrong to them.

Principles for talking with your child

• Start early, talk often, keep it short. You don't need one "big talk". Use everyday moments, such as bath time, watching the news or a scene in a TV drama.
• Answer truthfully, for their age. Use simple words. If you don't know the answer, it's fine to say, "Let me find out and we'll talk about it."
• Don't scold or shame. If a child gets told off for asking, next time they won't ask you; they'll ask someone else.
• Ask back first, for example "Where did you hear that?" or "What do you think it means?", so you know how much they want to know.
• Listen more than you talk, and always tell your child they can come to you about anything and you won't be angry.

What to talk about at each age

Ages 2–5

• Teach the correct names of body parts, including the genitals, just as you teach eyes and nose
• Body safety rules: "The parts covered by your swimsuit belong to you. No one should touch them or ask to see them, except when Mum or Dad helps you bathe, or a doctor examines you with a parent there."
• Teach the difference between "good secrets" (like a birthday present) and "bad secrets" that make you feel uncomfortable, which you must always tell a parent
• Practise saying "no" and "stop", and respect it when your child doesn't want to hug or kiss relatives

Ages 6–9

• Explain the basics of how babies are made, at the level your child asks about
• Prepare them for the changes of puberty that are coming
• Everyday consent, and respecting friends' bodies
• Online safety: don't send photos, don't share your address, don't chat with strangers, and if you see a picture or message that makes you uncomfortable, come and tell me; you won't be in trouble

Ages 10–13 (entering adolescence)

• Periods, wet dreams and changes in the body and emotions are normal
• Having a crush on someone, and sexual and gender diversity. Let your child know that whoever they are, you love them; see Gender identity: gender is a spectrum
• Peer pressure, and the right to say no
• Pornography is not sex education. What's in porn isn't real and doesn't show consent or safety.
• Online scams: some people pretend to be kids the same age to get photos, then use them for threats (sextortion). If it happens, your child is not to blame: stop replying, don't send anything more, keep the evidence and tell a parent immediately.
• The HPV vaccine works best when given before sexual activity starts. In Thailand, girls in Grade 5 receive it through the government program, and boys benefit too.

Ages 14–18

• Healthy and unhealthy relationships: jealousy or control is not love; the signs of relationship violence
• Consent must be clear, can be given and withdrawn at any time, and someone who is drunk or unconscious cannot consent
• Contraception, condoms and sexually transmitted infections; see Common sexually transmitted infections
• The law: in Thailand, sending or keeping nude images of anyone under 18 is a criminal offence, even if it's a picture of yourself or a partner of the same age, and sexual acts with a child under 15 are illegal even if the child agrees
• Tell your teen that if something goes wrong, such as a broken condom or a pregnancy worry, they can tell you or see a doctor; the sooner, the more options there are. Adolescents in Thailand have the right to reproductive health information and services under the Act for Prevention and Solution of the Adolescent Pregnancy Problem B.E. 2559 (2016).

1. Age 2–5
   Body part names and body rules

   Areas covered by swimwear are private; good/bad secrets; practise saying "no"

2. Age 6–9
   How babies are born

   Prepare for puberty, consent and online safety

3. Age 10–13
   Changing bodies, changing feelings

   Periods, wet dreams, diversity; porn is not reality; sextortion

4. Age 14–18
   Relationships and safety

   Consent, contraception, condoms, STIs, laws on images of under-18s

Start early, talk often, keep it short, in line with UNESCO's comprehensive sexuality education guidance.

Warning signs parents should know

Signs of grooming often begin with an adult or older person who knows the child giving them special attention, gifts or money, asking them to keep secrets, trying to be alone with the child, or chatting privately online and asking them to delete the messages.

Signs a child may be being harmed: sudden changes in behavior, nightmares, bedwetting again, fear of certain people or places, sexual knowledge or behavior beyond their age, having things or money from unknown sources, and injury or pain in the genital area.

If your child tells you they've been abused

1. Stay calm and believe your child. Say, "Thank you for telling me. It's not your fault."
2. Don't question them repeatedly for details. Let trained professionals ask, so the child isn't retraumatized and their account doesn't change.
3. Protect the child immediately, keeping them away from the person they named.
4. Get help. In Thailand, call the Social Assistance Center on 1300 (24 hours), the police on 191, or go to a One Stop Crisis Center (OSCC) at a public hospital. If it has just happened, go to hospital quickly for treatment, prevention of infection and pregnancy, and collection of evidence.
5. Look after your child's and your own mental health. Thailand's mental-health hotline is 1323 (Thai language; ask for English support).

1. 1Stay calm, believe them"Thank you for telling me. It's not your fault."
2. 2Don't question againLet trained staff do the interviewing
3. 3Protect right awayKeep the child away from the person named
4. 4Get helpCall 1300 (Social Assistance Centre hotline) or 191 (police), or the One Stop Crisis Center (OSCC) in a public hospital
5. 5Look after heartsYour child's and your own; mental-health hotline 1323

How Dr. Kris Clinic can help families

I counsel parents and guardians on how to start talking with their children, answer the questions parents aren't sure about, give the HPV vaccine, and offer confidential, age-appropriate consultations for teenagers about their bodies and sexual health, as well as family counseling through family therapy. English-speaking consultations are available. In an emergency, or if a child is in danger, call 191 or 1300 immediately.