Differences are normal
In long-term relationships it is normal for two people to want sex at different levels, or out of step at times. This does not mean either is abnormal or loves the other less.[1]
The goal is not equal desire but mutually acceptable, consensual intimacy.[1]
From blame to understanding
When desire differs, couples often get stuck in a cycle: the higher-desire partner feels rejected and unwanted, while the lower-desire partner feels pressured and guilty, and the more pressure there is, the more they withdraw.[1]
Understanding what drives the difference makes it possible to agree on consensual arrangements instead of blaming each other.
How common is it?
Desire differences can occur in any couple at some point.[1] Care is guided by the couple's distress, not a universal frequency threshold, because there is no “normal” number that fits every relationship.
Why desire differs
Desire changes with many factors[1],[2]:
- Workload and stress.
- Sleep and fatigue, for example with young children.
- Health and medicines, such as chronic illness, antidepressants, the postnatal period or menopause.
- Context and setting: privacy, time and feeling connected.
- Life stage: each person's desire rises and falls on a different rhythm.
- Style of desire: some people feel spontaneous desire, others feel desire after intimacy begins.
None of this makes either person wrong.
What is assessed
Assessment looks at how distressing the difference is, what helps and hinders desire, pain or physical problems, medicines, safety in the relationship and each person's goals.[1],[2]
If either partner has pain, dryness or erection difficulties, a physical check is worthwhile, because these can lead people to avoid sex.
Approaches that help
Make time for intimacy that need not end in sex. Touch, cuddling or time together without expectation reduces pressure and builds connection.[1]
Talk openly about needs, describing your own feelings rather than accusing, and look for arrangements you both accept.
Address physical factors. Ongoing distress, pain or physical symptoms may need assessment.[1],[2]
Couples counselling helps difficult conversations feel safe. Current guidance draws on research and expert consensus; no single technique is guaranteed to work for every couple.[1]
How we care for you at Dr. Kris Clinic
We assess physical factors for both partners, such as medicines, hormones, pain or erection problems, without labelling anyone abnormal, and explain that desire differences are common, in English or Thai.
For relationship conversations, couples counselling at Kris Care Space helps you understand each other and find common ground that works for you.
Frequently asked questions
My partner rarely wants sex. Does that mean they don't love me?
Not necessarily. Desire depends on many factors, such as stress, sleep and health.
How often should a couple have sex?
There is no right number for every couple. What matters is that both are satisfied and consenting.
Should I agree to sex I don't want to keep the relationship going?
You should never feel obliged. Intimacy should be consensual; counselling can help find an approach you both accept.
Do we both need to see a doctor?
Not always, but coming together helps each of you understand the other's view.
Aim for understanding and mutual satisfaction rather than enforced equal frequency.[1] Consent always matters.
Talk to a doctor about this
Confidential care in Surat Thani, the mainland gateway to Koh Samui, Koh Phangan and Koh Tao. Tue–Fri 17:00–20:00 · Sat–Sun 10:00–15:00 (UTC+7)
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Dr. Krida Uakridathikarn (Dr. Kris)
Board-certified family physician with certificate training in clinical sexology and sexual medicine. He works at Suratthani Hospital and provides sexual health, hormone and LGBTQ+ inclusive care at Dr. Kris Clinic. Profile and CV
References
- ESSM Position Statement: Sexual Desire Discrepancy (2020)
- ISSWSH Process of Care for HSDD (2018). doi:10.1016/j.mayocp.2017.11.002
- WHO: Sexual health
Keep reading
Main guide: Kris Care Space
How to Talk With Your Partner About Sex
Sexual Performance Anxiety: When Worry Gets in the Way
What Is Sensate Focus? Non-Demand Touch in Sex TherapyThis article is general education, not personal medical advice or a promise of results. Diagnosis and treatment require assessment by a doctor. Content reflects the cited sources as of the update date.